If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
