maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
