My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
