Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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