I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
