Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it