I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.