watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
