Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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