I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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