Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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