He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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