you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
