I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize