my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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