porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
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