Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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