Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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