I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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