Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
