i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
