please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
