We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
