Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
