I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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