your thong is hanging out like whoa
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
