1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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