get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
