went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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