How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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