Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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