My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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