why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
