so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
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Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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