It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
