the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
