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I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
