If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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