it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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