Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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