You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
