I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
