Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
