I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
