the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
