Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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