I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
