Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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