I just pynch a tree in the face
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
