remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
