ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
