If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
