no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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