do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
